Kee Grieves

I Can’t Concede to Grief

November 17, 2020

Despair, Physical and Emotional Symptoms
~3:30pm
I feel empty today. It’s partly cloudy outside, but, emotionally, I feel down. If it weren’t for my mother’s birthday passing over the weekend or her death, I’d assume I feel this way because I didn’t have caffeine yet.

But this is grief. This isn’t just a fading emotional state. This is intense pain and welcomed apathy. This is the desire to reclaim my old youthfulness, to feel free from the adult burdens and follow-up business calls. I just want to crawl back into bed, cover my entire body with the comforter, and sleep.

I can’t give in though. I can’t let grief win by conceding to it anymore than Trump can accept losing the 2020 presidential election. For me, there has to be more to life. But how does life continue after you lose someone to whom you were so close? Life can’t continue! It’s no longer the same. I can never go back to the way I once was. I’m not entirely sure I remember who I was.
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When the Sun Found Me, So Did She

November 4, 2020

Lethargy, Physical and Emotional Symptoms
~ 1:50pm

I slept for 7 1/2 hours last night, although I went to bed after my bedtime. Yet, here I am, feeling completely drained around 2pm. I skipped caffeine this morning because I’ve been trying to avoid addiction.

But what other options do I have? How can I feel like a rejuvenated 20-something again? Am I seeping into depression? How long will this last?

Maybe I need to take a quick break from remote work and get some outside air. A step on the balcony or a quick mailbox visit should give me enough time to feel today’s sun and marvel at the ocean blue sky.

Speaking of the sun, I made it my thing to remember my mom whenever the sun shines. I like to believe the sun represents her smile, a reminder that she’s still proud of me, even when I feel like I’m close to emotionally shutting down. The sun lets me know that there is still beauty in the world. There are still warm days, and the clouds won’t always rain on me or my spirit.

I will be okay. I can make it through this!

~ 2:25pm

I just took out the trash. While the sun warmed my chocolate skin, and my eyes witnessed a pure sky, my feet narrowly avoided squashing a butterfly. I found this little guy camped out near the dumpster, flapping his multicolored wings.

I’m so glad I went out today!

Sign #1 of Mom’s heavenly love.
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Week 4: Election Night

November 4, 2020

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I’m up, into the wee hours of election night with only the company of a Netflix rerun of a sitcom I never knew existed. I wish my mother still existed. It was odd casting my absentee ballot, while storing her ballot in a box with all the other post-death documents.

I still don’t know how I got here. I don’t know where I’m going either. Of course, I daydream about how much my life will change in the future, with little regard for how much it’s already changed. My world has been upended and there’s no way I can go back to the comfort of my mother. There’s no way I can seek solace in her if the mass poll results don’t reflect my own.

This election day marked the end of a strenuous four years. In the fall of 2016, my mother was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (CHF), a condition that instantly catapulted me from a bright eyed college grad into an anxious caregiver. Unfortunately, she lost her battle with the progressive heart disease last month. Those final days are embedded in my mind and I’m fortunate that I could spend them with her.

With this blog, I’ll share my feelings as I go through the stages of grief. I know this will be a rocky road. Please forgive me…
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I Can’t Concede to Grief

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When the Sun Found Me, So Did She

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Week 4: Election Night

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