It’s been way too long since I’ve posted here, but the past eight months have been proven to be some of the toughest. If you’re familiar with my story from previous posts, you might wonder how someone who lost their mom could go through anything tougher. I thought the same back in 2020, but I learned how unmanaged stress and trauma can compound.

Last year, I took the life changing step of seeking treatment for my depression and annual insomnia spells. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In retrospect, I see that I struggled with the illness for years without the language (or acceptance) to describe my experience. I thought I was weak and had no idea how others could manage work, kids, and relationships when I could barely get out of bed in the morning. At my big age, I was still struggling to adult.

Since I started treatment, my moods and energy have significantly improved. This winter, I’ve been able to cook for myself, tour prospective apartments, and even start exercising again. I also visited family and I’ve been talking to friends more. It feels like I’m living a different life. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this motivated in the colder months since I was a teenager.

Here’s a snapshot of how my life “on the poles” used to be, written before I sought help:

DEPRESSION

In the winters, I am consumed by deep depressive thoughts and s****dal ideation. I go to work those days with only God and coffee to sustain me. And I smile. I am friendly to coworkers and those who I support, but am I friendly to myself? In those dark days, I often neglect self-care because it’s so darn hard to get out of bed! I spend all of my energy to feign stability and be “productive”. I spend money on pay-to-win iPhone games and Uber Eats. I don’t cook. I don’t go outside, and I don’t answer calls. I just eat and sleep…and endure the gloom.

MANIA

As winter closes, I inevitably enter what I call an “insomnia wave.” It usually starts with my seasonal allergies, but sometimes it’s triggered by stress from work or my crappy apartment’s pipes busting a leak. Whatever the case, I can’t sleep.

In 2025, it lasted longer than ever. For two months, I battled insomnia, violent (uncharacteristic) thoughts, irritability, impulsive spending and dissociation before I sought help. In a bi-weekly check-in (standard procedure) my boss said, “You can do great work, but you’re not focused.”

I was focused! I was focused on buying anything I wanted with no regard for the financial repercussions. I was focused on music, and art, and books, and driving, and the warmer weather, and my hair, and pondering my identity, and clothes, and not harming anyone if they challenged me. I was confident, so much so that I cut off all of my straightened hair and faced the world with a natural tapered cut. It was bold. It was freedom. It was random. It was expensive.

My story is important for anyone who struggles with mental health issues. Don’t let it take control of your life! Do your research and get help when you need it. Don’t be ashamed or let your ego stop you from living the best version of your life.

#MentalHealthMatters