I want to reinvent myself.

It’s spring and I’m coming out of my winter depression/grief darkness. I’m tired of ordering Uber Eats and chugging down salty meals in my bed. I’m tired of sleeping in said bed, with no frame, when I still have the lightly used adjustable king bed of my mom. I’m tired of my stomach being bloated because I’m addicted to cheese and carbs. I’m tired of throwing out plants I inherited from Mom after they inevitably die. I’m tired of not liking anything in my wardrobe, and not shopping for new clothes because I order out too much and I haven’t seriously committed to exercise in almost a year. I’m tired of seeing red missed calls from the same people, people I haven’t spoken to since my depression hit last October.

I’m tired of my best friend telling me to go to therapy. I’m tired of making excuses for why I can’t go. I’m tired of “convincing” myself that I will feel better with more sleep or more food.

I have to make conscious changes if I want to improve the quality of my life. I cannot assume that things will get better on their own. Seasonal depression hits differently for me because it combines with grief to keep me in the darkness.

Life post-Mom can feel like a lemon much of the time, but I am the only one who can make it into lemonade.