I had just returned home from visiting my mom with my boyfriend “Scott” and my best friend “Demetria”. Demetria and I wanted to visit our old childhood neighborhood, and Scott came along. When we got to the apartment complex, we saw an ambulance and squad cars.

Demetria wanted to see what all the fuss was.

We heard a woman scream.

“I think she getting arrested,” Demetria said, pointing to a lady with her hands behind her back. But there were no cops around her…I sensed something far worse was happening.

Apparently, the lady’s aunt went into distress in her apartment and 9/11 was called. When we happened to walk up, the family was outside their apartment building, anxiously waiting while EMS did CPR.

They couldn’t restart the aunt’s heart and informed the family.

The lady broke down. I deduced her hands were behind her back because her loved ones were trying to keep her from re-entering the apartment.

I can still hear her pleas in my mind.

“Noooo!!!! That’s my aunt. Please keep trying. Somebody tell them to keep trying! They didn’t try hard enough! Noooo!” 😭😭😭

The paramedics began descending the building. Once outside, one of them stopped when the woman asked if they could try again. Demetria, Scott, and I were diagonal to the paramedics, facing the grieving family, so I couldn’t see or hear the medic’s reply. I knew it wasn’t good though because the woman understandably swayed as her loved ones held her on both sides. 😔

The medics put the oxgen masks, and all their other gear back in the ambulance. I noted that no one came back with a stretcher, as it wouldn’t be needed. 😔 The EMS team backed out of the complex and disappeared down the avenue.

The lady’s family calmed her enough to walk her into a neighbor’s apartment in the next building. I’m glad they were there for her. Lord knows what would’ve happened if she went near her aunt’s body.

As for me, I can’t sleep more than 2 hours a night–since Mother’s Day–without sleep drugs!!! I’m glad I had the courage to see a doctor because my three week insomnia battle nearly killed me. I took a mental health day from work to clear my mind and I smoked hemp pre rolls to take the edge off. I had so much stress. My mental state started affecting my body and it was hard to stand, concentrate, and even breathe. I worried about my heart because it felt swollen and heavy. My mom died from heart disease… I don’t want to suffer the same fate.

I keep thinking about how I was like when I found mom lifeless on her bed. Fuck! I’m irritable. I’m paranoid. It didn’t help that one of my clients came in the office on Friday the 13th looking for my colleague, saying she was gonna kill her…THEN the Buffalo mass shooting/Hate Crime happened and 10 Black bodies, not unlike those of mine and my family, are souless! May was a horrible month. Repeated Ls.

I’m in therapy now. Demetria recommend I try BetterHelp. I am not ashamed to get mental help. I know I won’t be able to do shit if my mind isn’t intact.

Please pray for my resilience.

For others struggling with secondhand trauma, a guide on combatting the condition: https://socialworklicensemap.com/blog/coping-with-secondary-trauma/

#SpiritualWarfareIsReal