It’s been almost ten months since my mother left this world, and I have no idea how I’ve survived so long. The last six months were rough, but things started to feel easier around March–then my aunt, my mother’s last living sibling, passed away at the end of April. My aunt and I were never really close, so I didn’t know how I’d feel at her funeral. I didn’t know if I’d break down and melt into the floor, or if I’d sit in the pew, stoic and numb as she lay motionless before me.

On the day of the funeral, I dressed and met my cousin’s boyfriend outside to head to the funeral home. My cousin chose the same funeral home that I did for my mom, along with a white casket (also like Mom’s) with gilded handles that only differed from Mom’s due to its soft pink lining. I didn’t choose to have a funeral for my mom, and I’m glad I didn’t because it took me to another dimension when I saw my aunt’s body. She was a woman who had posed with me in front of my mom’s casket, as it rested on top of the grave. She was a woman who danced with me at the repass to release the nerves. She was a woman who battled breast cancer for nearly two decades.

All of the losses made me appreciate life for all it’s worth. Yeah, there are dark days, and yes, there are trials, but life is a roller coaster. What goes up, must come down, and vice versa. I’ve learned that my crying spells will fade (though not completely disappear) over time. I believe I’ve made it this far because I allowed myself to feel and process my grief, I trusted God, and I sought counseling when things felt unbearable. It’s this kind of self-care that is conducive to survival. And as my mom’s only child, I must survive.

My new philosophy is to live freely. Or as I now say, I like to practice “free livin’”. This means that I do what most pleases me, so long as it’s within my budget and not draining on my introverted spirit. I mean, I’m young, unwed, and childless. Why the fuck would I not enjoy the hell out of my life?! My mom would want me to go on. She and I always feared that I wouldn’t be able to keep it together, especially after what happened to Bobby Kristina Brown.

I’ll keep free livin’ because I love my youthful freedom (what little I have left since COVID).